Culture. Nurture. Tincture. Enrapture.

Learn proper society etiquette

Etiquette. Class. It might be seen as cliche today but the truth is such formalities are an essential part of any society. Think about it: even the Ten Commandments could be seen as a sort of code of etiquette. Rules of conduct shape social dynamics, ensuring cohesion and some complicity between individuals even if complete strangers. Sadly, this art is largely lost to us now. I have found that pondering over historical etiquette can be quite effective in forming your own. Evidently, courtly behaviour and the such do neglect various cultural shifts and technological advancements. Still, you would be surprised at how sound the core principles beneath these codes are even today. Therefore, I propose to you an overview of various historical and well-known codes of etiquette as I try to distill the most fundamental essence of etiquette I can infer. Without further ado, let‘s dig in.

Formal introduction

Any code of conduct links back to social interactions. As proper introductions are where good relationships are made, we should start there also. Here, etiquette will frankly differ from culture to culture but the crucial part is always to acknowledge the person in some way. A perennial option here is the handshake but almost anything agreeable could do. You don‘t have to offer a handshake if you don‘t want to but you should ALWAYS respond to one in kind. If you do propose a handshake, remember that the message behind the handshake is more in the grip than the act itself. A frank handshake is an immediate mark of strength and warmth.

Either way, you choose, your introduction is the most important aspect of any relationship you make. We often recognize the weight of first impressions and, well, experience does stand by that statement. Even with the best of intentions, it can be quite hard to revert opinions after a first bad impression. Inversely, a great first impression can do wonders. How to guarantee a good first impression? For starters, you should not act differently or mask your character as this would create contradictory feelings between your first and subsequent encounters. The most important aspect of it is to make sure the person feels recognized but also appreciated. This is why a proper introduction is your best tool here. This is also what 1920s etiquette authority Emily Post condemned what she called “New York‘s bad manners“. Don‘t hasten the introduction as this would indicate that you feel the person isn‘t worth your time. Eye contact is paramount as we all unconsciously use it to determine if we feel recognized or not. The emotions you emit are also important. For any negative emotion you harbour, however legitimate, your interlocutor will automatically feel linked to it, spoiling their first impression of you. Most importantly, make sure to remember their name and face. Not doing so would be a clear sign of not properly considering them and retrospectively taint their first impressions of you. I confess to still being bad at it. But let‘s work together here.

Beg your pardon - The importance of politeness

Whatever society you are in, any code of etiquette can be summed up in a single word: politeness. Politeness can be seen in a way as a form of attention to form, ceremonies and most importantly other individuals. Think about the most agreeable persons you know and they most probably stand out for a certain attention to detail, sensibility and empathy. This is the essence of any code of etiquette that you should strive to uphold. But don‘t misunderstand politeness: it isn‘t some kind of cover. True politeness coming from the bottom of your heart can be learned and should be what you strive for. Thrust me, feinted politeness is intuitively understood and proscribed by almost anyone. You might ignore all codes of conduct and be awkward with people but if you take care to not wound anybody‘s feelings, everyone will be comfortable around you. As courtesy attracts friendships, rudeness repels them. You should never meet rudeness with your own. Even the most bearish will feel some shame by being met with courtesy and kindness.

Being interesting

You have been introduced properly, you made sure they are comfortable with you. Now we need to make sure they keep listening to you. In a word, you need to be interesting. This is surprisingly more simple than you might guess. First, remember that anything that interests you will interest someone else. The trick is only to find the best common ground for the situation. In that way, you should seek as many arts, crafts and interests as you can. The goal here is not to become an expert at all of them (this would be impossible), but to know enough to quickstart/follow a conversation on it. By finding the right hooks, you will be able to reel in about anyone for hours and hours.

Being interesting, just like politeness, is about opting for the right temper. In the words of Castiglione, you should exude strength, courage, loyalty and morality. In my words: be empathic, positive and take the initiative. Make sure to not hog the spotlight. Talking about yourself and your accomplishments can be suitable but do not overdo it. It is better to let your accomplishments be known naturally.

Being Interested

Speaking of not hogging the spotlight, you should give enough space to your interlocutors. A conversation needs to come both ways. In that way, actively contributing AND listening attentively are both required to fuel a conversation. By listening, your apparent sympathy increases and people will want to talk to you more, even if you don‘t bring anything else to the table. Asking follow-up questions that CANNOT be answered by “yes“ or “no“ are your best tools here. Ask for details, advice, opinions or anything else you feel interested in. Such questions are also great for introducing new players to the conversation. Something like “X just told me that … what do you think about it?“ will do wonders. Most of all, with these questions you can subtly guide the conversation in the way you want. You should generally guide it to what interests you but make sure to use these tools to avoid any events too close to heart to your interlocutors. Be mindful and avoid painful subjects if possible. In the same way, avoid contradicting or questioning the veracity of their statements. Yes, it might be false but they might not know that and you should not want to make them feel bad about it. If you must notify them of their mistake, do it as agreeably and patiently as you can. It goes without saying that you should not interrupt their speech. Your interlocutor should always be able to finish in its own words, even if it is a joke you heard a thousand times. I find the example of Emily Post‘s “perfect“ bridge partner great example here: “That no one likes a poor partner--or even a poor opponent--goes without saying. The ideal partner is one who never criticizes or even seems to be aware of your mistakes, but on the contrary, recognizes a good maneuver on your part, and gives you credit for it whether you win the hand or lose.“ That‘s exactly what you should strive to be.

Tipping my hat off

This concludes this short distillate on etiquette. Whether in personal relationships, professional settings, or public life, I am sure that understanding the importance of etiquette will help foster more effective communication, strengthen relationships, and better navigate the complexities of life. As Lord Chesterfield once said: “Moral virtues are the foundation of society in general and of friendship in particular; but attentions, manners, and graces, both adorn and strengthen them." I stay true to these words and you should too. Do remember that like any skill, having “proper“ etiquette needs regular practice. After all, just as no chain is stronger than its weakest link, no manners can be expected to stand a strain beyond their daily test at home. But for now, I consider my duty served. Accept my sincere thanks for your attention.

And, most importantly: see you next time.

References

  • The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness by Florence Hartley https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/35123
  • Etiquette by Emily Post https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/14314/pg14314.txt
  • The book of the courtier by Baldassarre Castiglione https://archive.org/details/bookofcourtier00castuoft/page/n25/mode/2up